Anger: The Ordeal

by Christine Cochrane

MC² looked at the veil. The opening was shaped exactly like her. She looked back at the Ox and the Owl. They both bowed their heads with reverence to her and her journey. The Ox stepped forward and handed her a shield. “This is to protect your tender heart.” The Owl came forward and handed her a purple crown. “This is to remind you of your wisdom.” She hugged them both and turned toward the opening knowing that the only path forward was through this dark curtain. The voices were getting louder. Trance-like. Other-worldly. “We’re your family.” “We’ll be best friends forever.” “We’ll always protect you.” “You belong.” “We love you.” “I do.” “I look forward to growing old with you.” “I believe you.” “I’ve got your back.” “I’ll make sure you are okay.” “Forever.” “Always.” She walked through the veil.

The space was breathing in light and sound and breathing out chilly gusts of air. It was alive. The floor felt like the forest floor. Dirt, pine needles, pinecones, small rocks. I couldn’t feel the sides or the top of the space. Suddenly, a light descended from above and illuminated the space. Warmth came from light. In the spotlight stood a man she used to work for and a co-worker she was bullied by. They both smiled at her, said, “we are so sorry for the way we treated you. We acted horribly and you didn’t deserve that. Can you forgive us?” Tears started down her face. One of the bricks in the wall she knows separates her from trusting people and getting too close started to melt. Each tear took another piece away. They stepped forward to embrace MC². As she stepped toward them, the light went dark and there was a whooshing sound as a hole in front of her appeared. The darkness sucked them down. All through the space she heard their laughter echoing. They were making fun of her gullibility. She took the bait. She actually believed them.

Stunned, she turned to the veil’s opening and saw that there was no veil, no opening. It was gone. All that remained was darkness. Clearly there was no opening where she came from so she walked forward in hopes that she would see and exit. She tripped on something. A rock? A tree root? She dropped the shield. In a panic she crawled around the bare floor and couldn’t find it. Just then another light descended from above. This time her ex-best friend was there. She also acknowledged the pain she caused and that she had judged and abandoned their precious friendship without explanation. Again, tears. Again melting bricks. This time it was a few of them. As she and MC² moved towards each other for a reunifying embrace, again a hole opened up and the darkness sucked her ex-friend down. The space echoed with her laughter. She took the bait. She actually believed her. She felt a searing, yet familiar pain in her heart.

MC² started running blindly through this expansive, living, nothingness. Searching for cracks, places where the light would come through and give her direction. Again and again she encountered people from her past who had left her, kicked her out, spoken bottomless promises. Each time a moment of hope entered her she thought, “maybe it won’t happen again. Maybe they really do mean what they say”. She continued to run, now in total desperation. Heaving sobs rattling her body. She fell again after one more heart-splitting betrayal. This time the crown left her head and went rolling away. She was exhausted and barely had the energy to crawl around and look for it. Besides, it seemed the shield and the crown were not protecting her or providing her wisdom as she kept hoping, and kept not being chosen.

In total defeat she realized that she was alone. Truly alone. Then one more light beamed down and there stood her parents. This was her last hope. They repeated that they loved her, she belonged with them, that she was precious and they’d care for and protect her. They went on and on saying all the words she longed to hear throughout her life, but more importantly they said they were sorry for the things they did. The abuse that was allowed, the neglect, not standing up for her, choosing their friends and activities over her health and safety, allowing her to be an outcast in the family. MC²’s heart felt healed for the first time she could remember. She stepped to their embrace and again a hole appeared in front of her and the darkness sucked them down. Their cruel laughter permeated her being. MC² laid on the ground. She was totally defeated and didn’t believe there was ever a reason to get up. And then the bottom dropped out and the darkness sucked her down.