Anger: The Reward

by Christine Cochrane

MC² woke up laying on her side with her knees tucked up to her chest. She was exhausted. She rose to a seated position and wiped her swollen eyes. She looked around and saw that there was a small creek that flowed from where she sat. It was made of the tears that had flowed from her since she landed in the darkness. The creek had a faint luminescent light. She felt the bruises on her right shoulder and hip, saw the scrapes on both of her knees. She stood shakily and started to follow the creek. It grew in size to a small, lightly flowing river. Not long after following a bend in the river, she came to a dock and saw a blue canoe. In the canoe was Naci-the first dog she ever had from when she was a puppy to when she died of cancer 10 years later. MC² jumped in the canoe and hugged Naci. Somehow there were more tears. She thought she had cried them all out into the river, yet there was more-from the joy of seeing her, and the echo of the hole that had been created when she died. Naci spoke to her. “I’ve seen you cry, hurt, and miss me since you released me from the cancer that took over my body. I’ve been there even though you couldn’t see me. I want you to know that there was a very specific reason I came in to your life. You had so much trauma, pain, abuse and betrayal throughout your childhood and beyond. In all the work you’ve done and the healing that has happened, there’s still a lot of tears that need to be released from the child who was so alone. My body leaving you was to help you reach that pain-feel the loss, release it, and heal. You have further to go with this. Spending any time remembering our final moments together will open the door to the seemingly bottomless pain and sorrow you carry, and the chance to reduce the pressure vault of tears inside you. I am your key. I know it was one of the worst days in your life. I hate that for you, but it’s also the gateway to the best days of your life.”

The river was becoming lighter and lighter as MC² and Naci drifted forward. As they looked over the side into the clear water they saw fossils in the shapes of those that had hurt her. They were memorialized in the rocks under the water, and they were left behind as the river started to move a little quicker. There was a light ahead that had an opening to what looked like the outside world. As they approached it, Naci grabbed a branch that was sticking out from a tree on the left bank and guided them to a sandy beach. Naci said, “This is where I get off. You can come to me at any time. I’m always here with the key, and we can drain the well a little at a time whenever you are feeling strong enough. I’ll be here to sit by you and bear witness to those tears. You are never alone.” MC² held Naci tight. She didn’t want to let go. But Naci pulled away and jumped to the beach. The canoe was swept away by the current toward the bright light. Suddenly she recognized the shape of the opening. It was her-just like the veil opening that brought her into this darkness-but it was bigger. She looked at her hands and feet-and noticed that she had grown. It was a bigger body-a grownup’s body. She noticed something on her stomach, her chest, her legs, and her arms. Some indentations and slight discoloration. They were stretch marks. This was confusing. She didn’t understand why they were there.

The canoe was moving along with the increasing current toward the cutout. Just before she passed through, she noticed Overlook Man on the bank. He first appeared to her at a Sierra National Park overlook. She had seen this man and his wife from behind. He looked like her Dad. She was struck by the fact that she had held an image of her Dad in his older years being healthy and able to take adventures like this. When he turned from the view, it was not her Dad. She was seeing ghosts-something she wanted to be true, but wasn’t. Just like those in her life that she wanted to be trustworthy, believable, faithful, protective, kind, and loving. Wanting didn’t make it so. As she went through the bright light of the cutout, she emerged in the pine-filled mountainous forest she left. She was staring at the deep blue sky and taking deep breaths of the pine trees. There was a light tap on her shoulder. There were 3 passengers in the canoe. They were her at 3 years old, 7 years old, and 15 years old. They were looking at her with hope. As she looked at them she knew that they were hers to care for. She promised them and herself that any time she was not looking at them and then turned to see them, that she would be exactly who they thought she was. She was not a ghost.