Disgust: Crossing the Threshold

by Terri VanBibber

One of my “core” memories was re-established while writing about my childhood on the High Horse Ranch. This re-established a connection to a personality island that had been long dormant. A child island associated with fear, disgust, shame and anger! Bringing all these emotions back online has sent me on an unexpected, UNWANTED journey. I’m so angry that it all bothers me and can invoke so much emotion. I spent most of my 20s and 30s going to counseling attempting not to allow my past to dictate my future. The core memory links to this island had been carefully deconstructed and rebuilt without emotional connection links. It was something I survived and overcame, not something I personally lived through. I’m now deeply troubled by my inability to recall most memories. This is something that has plagued me throughout my adult life. It’s as if new memories made that link to one of my offline emotions, are unable to be recalled because the emotional connection was missing.

Robert keeps saying, “How do you feel; write how you feel.” I feel disconnected from my life and everything in it and almost always have. It’s terrifying. You say I’m walking into a cave, and I SAY I’m walking into a train tunnel with a bullet train blaring its horn and flashing its lights warning me to GET OUT. Now I’m angry! I’m furious and I’m not sure why. Here I sit confused with my heart pumping out of my chest. The flashing lights began to form pictures, memories. Each flash, each picture, each memory filled with emotions that pierce my heart. Tears, anxiety, exhaustion, anger, fear, panic swirl around the room. Like a deer caught in the headlights, I’m dazed and confused.

I hear my medication alarm going off. I feel the pain in my body from PD. I can no longer sit here and write. PD is now in control and I must obey the alarm to medicate myself or suffer the consequences. I hate this f’ing disease!