The Gift of Hope

by Amy

I can hardly believe how free I feel! I don’t think I really fathomed the weight of all those negative emotions on my shoulders, my mind, and my heart. Especially Apathy, “Apathetic Annie.” She was my greatest enemy. Finding the strength within me to defeat her took a while and at one time I was resigned to thinking she’d always be my nemesis. To leave her and the other negative emotions behind feels like a release from responsibility. I don’t feel weighed down. I have hope now.

And yes, I actually do have Hope traveling with me in my van! Sitting in the passenger seat next to me. Hope asks, “I understand that you have determination to move your life forward. But that you still need something extra to convince yourself it will be okay to let go. Especially to let go of your children. Is that so, Amy? Tell me what you plan on doing or saying when you return. How can I help?”

I confess, “Hope, one thing that has been weighing on my mind is that this van, my Beloved Behemoth, is on her last road trip. She’s 17 years old now. She’s tired and can't function as well as she used to.” Hope interjects, “Amy, did you hear what you said? Does it sound like anyone else you know?” I think about it and respond, “Oh, my God! This is a big metaphor sitting right in front of me, isn’t it?!”  I’m tired, worn out, working past my expiration date as a hands-on parent. But it’s hard for me to let go of my kids. I worry about them being ready to live independently.  

But the words that keep ringing in my head, “Don’t work past your expiration date,” ground me in reality. I wonder about what I am bringing home. What can I implement into my old life that will make it anew?

I am bringing home a powerful elixir. The elixir is something I made. I discovered this elixir through the writing I have done over the past three months. The writing opened up my mind, and my heart. It brought me out of darkness and into the light. My elixir is a new attitude, a new perspective. 

Life should not be defined as a challenge. It is a gift that I am going to accept every new day from now on. I am going to share this gift with my kids. I’m going to trust them to hold their own now.  

If I believe in myself and that I have done the best I can to raise them, then they will be okay. It will all be okay. The lessons I have taught them, the hope I leave with them will remain as my legacy.